I often find myself meditating on this famous quote from Walt Whitman's Song of Myself: "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. I am large; I contain multitudes." The 2008 Broadway musical version of Shrek has the ogre version of Fiona belt "I'm a mess of contradictions in a dress!" That's pretty much me. But I think it's pretty much all of us.
Lately I have often found myself at odds with... well, myself. The respective sources of the two quotes above, I think, reflect this contradictory nature. I am equally at home on a trail in the wilderness or in a fancy theatre space. I find myself spiritually fed by nature as well as by art. Specifically, theatre, which is a pretty unnatural art, at least in its current form. I'm extroverted at times, introverted at others.
I am amused when I teach American Romanticism and I must confess to myself that some of my favorite authors are in opposite camps: I love Transcendentalists and Anti-Transcendentalists alike. I'm not sure how much that says about me, but there it is. I have learned to embrace this swirling, contradictory nature of mine. But it wasn't always so.
When I was in high school, I wanted to have somewhere to fit. I wanted to be one thing. I tried on several hats. I tried being the redneck kid, the goth kid, the Jesus freak kid, the hardcore band nerd, and on and on. I tried to only like one type of music. But of course the "one type" changed every couple of months. I felt I needed a label. After all, that's how it works in the movies, right? People are one thing. Even the greatest high school movie ever, The Breakfast Club, told us that. Sure, it told us to break out of the mold. But first there has to BE a mold to break out of. Right?
I say no. Even the molds are things we create for ourselves. When I went to college, I started to embrace these many sides of myself. And I came to the realization that my contradictory nature is the very thing that defines me. I don't need to be just one thing. I can be many things. I've tried to live into that over the years, to like what I like because I like it, not because I fit into a particular group that likes a certain thing. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking of myself as "geek" or "hiker" or "Southerner" or "artist" but I have to remember that I am all of those things. And the way they go together equals me.
Our natures are numbered as the stars. Even within ourselves, we have these millions of bright spots that are the tapestry of our personalities. We can't shine as vividly if we're busy covering up the ones we think don't belong.
I try to tell my students this as well, but I see so many of them trying so hard to put themselves into little boxes. To draw visible labels on their invisible souls, marking themselves as "in" this group or "out" of that one. Of course, I'm the old guy who doesn't know too much, but I hope they find a way to embrace their contradictions & live into their multitudes. I use Whitman's words in my classes and in my life. We are, indeed, large. We do contain multitudes. They are us. And to deny them is to deny ourselves.
In the next few days, go out of your way to find a part of your multitude you may have been neglecting. Do you like a genre of music you're not supposed to like? Blast that Ke$ha or WuTang Clan or Culture Club album you've been hiding under your mattress. Too old for cartoons? Too manly for musicals? Too womanly for MMA? Who cares? Let yourself be yourself. And love it. Shine on, little stars. Shine on.
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